"Don't worry, his salary is tax deductible under the Endangered Species Act."

"Didn't read the fine print on that World Wildlife Fund adoption form"

"he's like the elephant in the room, only awesomer."

Remember when you responded to Brandi's email about sexual harassment by saying she should be more thick skinned. Well . . .this is Brandi.

I hired him to ghost-write my autobiography.

The temp agency was all out of monkeys.

How was I supposed to know he doesn't do Windows?!?

"That's what she said..."

(1) When I said I wanted a secretary who couldn't type (wink), this was not what I had in mind.

Flaco got ahold of some steroids.

"Care to explain why the new secretary is drinking out of MY coffee mug?"

He's trying to write a sonnet to his lady-friend, but he's stuck on a rhyme for "megafauna".

(Probably just me, but I think the word "megafauna" is hilarious.)

"Heeeyyy!...quick hypothetical for ya. We're, uh...we're equal opportunity, right?

"Yeah, yeah, I know he's not exactly the best candidate, but why don't you try saying 'no' to an endangered species?"

"Hey, what happened to Gramps?"

"It turns out opposable thumbs are actually a detriment when working with Microsoft."

1) He says he needs a bigger keyboard.
2) So then I say to him, "Yes, The Gods Must Be Crazy is a great movie, but best ever? I think not."

3) Soooooo I tried to hire a wrestler. It turns out the WWF isn't the World Wrestling Federation anymore.

Maybe with a little lipstick?

(Just a rewording of my second, but I think it sounds infinitely better, so I'm OK with limping into entry three)

"I had to take away his credit card..."

"I said WHY NO Secretary!!"

"Yeah, well he can type a billion cuss words a minute!"

"I didn't read the fine print on that rhinoplasty ebay auction"

Caption:

"Is this what happens when you cross an elephant with a donkey?"

"I couldn't afford an infinite number of monkeys...."

(I swear I posted this yesterday, but I can't find it on a list of my posts)

'Remember all those small print side-effects on Gramp's pills?'

1) "This is a great example of why you should avoid online dating."

2) "So then I said 'Man, I hate rhinos' ... There's one behind me isn't there?"

3) "Would you believe me if I told you that I had nothing to do with this?"

And in case you prefer, here's a visual version of each:
1) Submission 1 [sethandbuddy.com] 2) Submission 2 [sethandbuddy.com] 3) Submission 3 [sethandbuddy.com]

Great job everyone!... here is my attempt, per Dave's advice:

" I sure hope that's decaf "