I know , I know, but he works cheap, all he's asking for is some marsh grass and a couple of those little birds to eat the ticks off his back.

"Yeah, I know... it goes stranger every day."

"...aaaand including his signing bonus and the *ridiculous* salary we promised to lure him away from Microsoft... You're gonna need a big infusion of cash."

I also loved the one about symbiosis and the blog.

THE REST OF THE ANIMAL CRACKERS GANG
ARE WORKING IN THE MAIL ROOM.

"What?? It's NEVER too early to start my list for Santa."
OR
"I outsourced myself. Fred's first task is my list for Santa."
OR
"Fred needs to hook into your network. Santa's gone digital."

The computer has a rhinovirus.

Dude, it’s the EERIEST thing you’ll EVER see. I mean, sure: those three-toed gorilla-stompers don’t LOOK like they’re capable of 90 words per minute…

WOW, I really don't know why my first attempt looks like braille, but let's try that again (hopefully, Mr. Kellett won't hold that botched attempt against me...)

Here goes:

Dude, it's the EERIEST thing you'll EVER see. I mean, sure: those three-toed gorilla-stompers don't LOOK like they're capable of 90 words per minute...

'And where does he poop Sheldon ? WHERE DOES HE POOP?'

I don't think this is what they meant when they said Sheldonsoft should help with the crash...

"Uh, no, this isn't what sending work overseas means."

"Just him sitting there is breaking so many laws of physics. Let's not start on the psychological."

"You know, not what I imagined when I asked you for an assistant."

We met in a book club, nothing but novelizations of Catherine Zeta-Jones movies.
or
He's ghost writing your autobiography.
or
We're going hang gliding this weekend. It's a team building thing. You need to come into the office more.

Ok, I had to unlurk for this one...*blows dust off marketing skills*

1) "The reason we're not using Vista? Meet the guy from the rhino pool..."

2) "You know Betty, from Accounting? The one who bakes those cookies? She told him not too eat that many..."

3) "When we need to put out fires here at the office, we go looking for Alphonse, or "Senor Sofocar" as the maintenace guys call him."

" but seriously, do you even LOOK at resumes any more?"

"Sure he makes great coffee, but his typing sucks."

"Do you have any idea how much your accountant's charging you?!?

"You've got to have a tough hide to work in Human resources... plus he was handy in the ring toss at the company BBQ."

"I hate how guys like Jim here get all the girls. He does nothing but play online games, Google useless stuff, and chew on his pencil so it seems like he's thinking. Plus, look at his manicure. Tell me those are the hands of a working man..."

Rent-A-Temp--Keyboarding skills need work.

You tell him he is having problems with his TPS report coversheets.

Please, they prefer to be called secretarial assistants now.

That *still* doesn't explain the hippo in the mail room...