The next time you get the chance, check out the expression on a small dog’s face when he goes swimming.

Their internal monologue breaks down roughly like this:

“I’m swimming! I’m swimming! I’m having fun! Wait, no, I’m drowning! I’m drowning! Oh God, why me? Why… No, no…I’m staying afloat! I’m swimming! Huzzah! Wait…oh Lord he’p me…I’m drowning…“

New York theatre buffs! I come bearing news!

In mid-May, I take off my cartooning hat and put on my acting hat…travelling to New York for a special one-week run of my wife’s play “Skirts & Flirts” at The Kraine Theatre (85 East 4th St., 10003). If you remember, “Skirts & Flirts” was the 13-person monologue show with the sold-out Los Angeles run. It’s a really enjoyable night o’ comedy — and I get a great turn onstage with a monologue as a beleagured groom. And of course, getting the chance to do it on the New York stage will be especially awesome…so if you can make it out, I hope you’ll come.

Showtimes are: May 16, 17, 18 @ 8PM; and May 19 @ 2PM & 8PM

The cast, as these IMDB links make clear, is pretty awesome– sauce. (In fact, I just now realized that I’m the only cast member WITHOUT an IMDB listing. I should fake one and say I was on “Walker, Texas Ranger”.)

Tickets are available at the door, but the LA shows tended to go pretty quickly — so I’d recommend picking up tickets early.

Also! There’s a good chance of a meet ‘n greet book-signing while I’m in New York — I’ll let you know as the schedule solidifies.

I’m happy to announce two bits of news in the Sheldon Store: a 100% Satisfaction Guarantee, and a new Pay-By-Check option.

Since my goal with Sheldon is to bring a little joy into the world, I’m always looking for new ways to make the site more enjoyable overall. So both of these bits of news are nice little additions.

The satisfaction guarantee is simple: it allows you to return any order you’re not satisfied with for a full refund on the purchase price and original shipping. As a small, independent store, this is a hefty pledge to make, but I feel pretty good about it. I’ve seen thousands of folks come away happy with their Sheldon stuff. And your e-mails tell me we’re getting it right with quality and customer service and all that jazz. But in the odd chance that you’re not satisfied, the refund guarantee is there for you. Take a sec to read more about it at the Sheldon Store.

The Pay-By-Check option is another new wrinkle for the store. It lets you pay with a mailed check drawn on any US bank. That means you can now pay by check, e-check, Paypal, or by major credit card — which covers all the bases, I think!

As always, if you have comments or suggestions on the site or on these new tidbits, just drop me a line. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the additions.

Today’s strip is not the first time that Gramp has tried to pass off random, totally untrue facts as gospel. Example A.

Have you ever had that feeling in your personal life — when a family member or a friend finally gets the recognition they deserve — that there is a sense of justice in the world, and that hard work and perservence can win out in the end?

Well, this week, my friend and fellow cartoonist Brad Guigar, who is most well-known for his superhero-spoof comic, Evil, Inc., was nominated for the Will Eisner Awardfor his wonderful strip Phables.

I’ve always been a huge fan of Brad’s clean, beautiful draftsmanship — his ability with a pen far surpasses my own. And with Phables, he really achieves some of his best work.

So please join me in congratulating Brad — and keep your fingers crossed that he gets his rightful nod!

While I was in England, I got the chance to take an audio tour of the Roman ruins in Bath. It was a great tour, and it got me thinking about how handy an audio tour would be for new readers of Sheldon…a sort of quick walk-through of the site and what’s on offer.

So, as an experiment, I put together something along those lines. Check it out, and tell me what you think. If it looks like it works, I’ll add it to the “New Here?” section of the site.

A company that frequently orders Sheldon books always places their order by fax machine.

For you youngins out there, that’s a “fascimilie” machine. It’s a telephone-based reproduction system that was invented in, oh, 1924, and really picked up in popularity in, oh, I don’t know, THE 198O’S.

Anyway, I thought I’d share this phone conversation I had with their ordering department, regarding their use of the fax:

ME: Hi. I currently get your book orders by fax, and was wondering if there was any way to migrate that process to e-mail?

THE COMPANY: Ooo…I’m sorry, sir. We can only do it by fax.

ME: You don’t have e-mail?

THE COMPANY: No, no…I do. We all do. But we can’t physically send out this document by e-mail.

ME: Why? Are the documents produced on a typewriter?

THE COMPANY: I don’t follow.

ME: Well, the document is produced on a computer, yes?

THE COMPANY: Yes.

ME: Well, e-mail is also handled by a computer. You can just attach the document. Most e-mail systems from the last decade or two can do it.

THE COMPANY: Ooo…I really wish we could, but…um…you know…

ME: What?

THE COMPANY: We’re stuck in 1985, and don’t really like to do business in your magical future-world of electronic wizard powers.

OK, that last line didn’t happen, but, c’mon, really? A fax machine? That’s the best we can do? Are we doing business in Uzbekistan?

Let me be honest here: I eat a lot of chocolate. More than I should, no doubt. But I love the stuff, and I’m not the only one. As umpteen-thousand brain studies have shown, real chocolate causes a wonderful cascading effect in the human brain…of joy and warmth and well-being and awesomeness.

If you agree on that point — the essential awesomeness of chocolate — I’d ask that you lend a hand. Take a second out of your day to tell the FDA not to water down the legal definition of “chocolate”. As Cybele May writes in today’s LA Times and in her Candy Blog, a consortium of food industry groups is looking to widen the definition of chocolate to include products made from vegetable fats and oils…not just real cocoa butter.

You know what kind of “chocolate” that is. You’ve bitten into it and known immediately. It’s that fake, waxy, powdery “chocolate-flavored” stuff that sits there for weeks after the first bite…because it tastes like foot powder. It’s the weird-brand Easter bunny that no one wants. It’s the fake M&Ms that taste like pebbles. It’s the chocolate chip that tastes like a tooth filling gone wrong.

Giving food manufacturers the ability to label products under this expanded “chocolate” label doesn’t mean Nestle and Hershey and Cadbury will suddenly change their core recipes — they’d be fools to do it, in the worst tradition of Coke II. But it makes you wonder what future “chocolate” products will be coming down the line? Should we have to guess whether or not those products are actually chocolate? Of course not. So take a second, GO HERE and let the FDA know.

(Note: This being a bureaucratic process, the comment system is a bit impenetrable. So here’s a helpful guide to giving the FDA your comments.)

Two new dates have been added to the “Appearances” notepad on the left: Dallas’ “CAPE” show and Bethesda’s “SPX” convention. I’m excited for these shows, as I’ve heard nothing but praise for both.

Avast! Here there be links, matey:

CAPE, Dallas, Texas, May 5

SPX, Bethesda, Maryland, Oct. 12-13.

Also! A few hundred new Sheldon-by-Email readers signed up yesterday, so allow me to direct you to our helpful strip intro, and a recent guide to the site’s features. Welcome!

[UPDATED]

Londoners!

This Friday, April 13th, we’re having a planned Sheldon meet ‘n greet in London, England. I’ll be working on two original Sheldon strips, signing books for folks, and giving out free sketches, from 12-3 PM:

The Green Man & French Horn

54 St. Martin’s Lane , WC2

(across the street from the “Avenue Q” theatre)